About Me
- Doc CarrieO
- My name is Carrie Oliveira and I teach people how to improve their relationships by promoting an understanding of the link between communication and relationship quality. I know what I'm talking about because I got a spectacular education provided by brilliant people. I completed my Master of Arts in Communicology (formerly Speech) at the University of Hawaii at Manoa and my Ph.D. in Communication at Michigan State University. I love people and messages and understanding how the messages we create influence our relationships. I hope to share some of what I know with you. If you want, feel free to email me questions at ask.dr.carrie@gmail.com. Welcome to class.
Hi Dr. Carrie,
ReplyDeleteI've loved your insights into relationships on Daytime this week. I'm the captioner for the show, and I live in a different state, so I feel safe asking you this question. I've been in a very loving, communicative relationship for two years now. We're both in our 50s, divorced. We have avoided marraige because his ex-wife has borderline personality disorder, and I think she's also psychotic. She has continually blamed me for the demise of their marriage, though they were divorced for a year and a half before we ever met, and she has harrased and threathened me to the point where I had to put a stalking injunction against her. My question is, what would be the best thing for my boyfriend and I to do in this situation? Our relationship feels frozen because of his ex-wife. She was abusive to him in their 32-year marriage. He loves her, but he has symptoms of an abuse victim -- he always feels pulled to try to make her feel better, and he can't seem to cut the ties there, though he knows he never can go back to her. I get very tired of the energy she brings into our relationship, though I love him dearly and just want him to move on (whether with me or someone else). I tell him that we can't even begin a real relationship with each other until he lets go of her. What advice do you have for me in this crazy situation? I feel caught in the middle of a vice. P.S. Nobody is likely going to move far away anytime soon. Thank you!
Hi Lisa
ReplyDeleteThanks for the compliment. I'm glad that you've found my comments insightful and useful.
In response to your inquiry, I have a few thoughts.
1. Victims of abuse are permanently changed by their experience. If he spent the majority of three decades being repeatedly abused by his wife, the effects of that have become permanently part of how he sees himself, sees her, sees other human beings. I don't know the details of how he finally managed to pull himself out of the marriage, but I do find it interesting that that didn't come with a severing of all ties from her. I don't know what your or your boyfriends feelings about therapy are, but it seems to me that he needs some individual personal therapy to help identify and work on some of the scars that his marriage left on him. I think underneath that, you will find the reason that he maintains a connection to her. That problem needs to be addressed first and foremost in order to empower him to make good choices about ending that relationship and opening him to the ability to have a full relationship with another person.
2. The question you really wanted the answer to was what you should do given that the ex-wife is lingering about and bringing toxicity into your relationship. That one, I'm afraid to say, is not a matter of what *you and your boyfriend* should do. It's a matter of what *you* should do. The fact is, for whatever reason, your boyfriend is still bound to his ex-wife. As a result of that, he can't participate fully in your relationship. Until either a) the ex-wife stops infiltrating your relationship or b) your boyfriend feels fully empowered to sever ties with her there is nothing that you can do to change the situation. The choice you have to make is whether the situation is something you can live with. Honestly, this is rarely a decision we have to mindfully make. When you get tired enough of not having your partner all the way with you, something will break in your will to continue the relationship, and you'll walk away.
3. In the meantime, I would strongly encourage you to communicate openly but empathically with your boyfriend about how upsetting and dissatisfying the situation is. I would also encourage you to encourage him to consider that he might need personal therapy to help him cope and heal from the effects of an abusive long-term relationship. I would finally encourage you to always be mindful that a relationship should feed your heart and not hurt it, so pay careful attention to when your heart starts to tell you that the relationship is doing more harm than good and know when to say goodbye.
I know I haven't given you any really solid suggestions, but the problem hasn't been created by your choosing or doing, so you're limited in your ability to affect it. I hope that things turn out well for you. I do hope you'll keep me posted on how you are, either here or at ask.dr.carrie@gmail.com.
Best wishes,
Doc Carrie
Thank you so much for your advice, Carrie. I really appreciate it. I have often suggested he go to therapy, but he hasn't had it spelled out this way before, so maybe now he'll see the need. I forgot to mention that he's a hardcore enabler, so I think that's the root of his inability to completely walk away from her. He feels so guilty leaving her alone, though her abuse was and still is reprehensible. I see what you're saying about my needing to know when it's time to walk away from it all, and I've been on the brink many times. My love for him has kept me here, probably some fear of being alone in there too. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? Thank you again. I'm going to really push the therapy.
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