The Rules Redux

In the course of the last year my life has changed dramatically.

After losing a job that I loved and was good at, I got a little lost in my existence.

As a result, I moved from Tennessee to Hawaii and in doing so moved away from a lot of the people that I love and have come to call family.

I started a job in the for-profit research industry which poses a slew of challenges that working in even the most bureaucratic of state-funded institutions of higher education didn't prepare me for.

2015 was a lot for me.

So here I am 2 weeks into 2016 and I've decided it's time for some changes: assertive, decisive ones designed to improve my own quality of life. Among them is reviewing and adhering more tightly to my own Rules.

In thinking about living with The Rules with a mindset of trying to change my life, it occurred to me that they might benefit from a refresh. So, here they are: The Rules Redux.

Rule #1: STAY AWAY FROM CRAZY

This is and will forever be Rule #1. This the rule that I watch people (myself included) knowingly break and still being surprised when the outcome is a bad one.

I recently told a new colleague about Rule #1 and her response was "well, crazy can be interpreted broadly." Yeap, it sure can. Which is why I emphasize that "crazy" isn't a person having a momentary, situation-induced lapse of self-control or reasoned action. Nor is crazy a legitimate mental illness.

Rather, when I talk about crazy, I'm talking about a person who exhibits:

• A persistent pattern of behavior that is
• Characterized by willful and controllable actions that are
• Motivated by personal benefit and that result in
• Harm, cost, or other adverse consequence being inflicted on other people and
• A refusal to take responsibility for harm  or hurt that s/he is inflicted.
  
  Seriously. Stay away from crazy. Do not feed the JabbaWorm.

Rule #2: Never Ask a Question You Don't Want Answered Honestly

This rule is the only really specific one on the list, so in that regard it may seem a bit misplaced. Nevertheless, I keep it here in the #2 spot because it is that big a deal. 

Uncertainty has an undeservedly bad reputation. Certainty often allows us to better anticipate an outcome to a given situation. What certainty can't guarantee is that we can influence an outcome we see coming. 

Let's take an example of Jack and Jill. Jill suspects that Jack is cheating on her. So, to confirm her suspicion, she snoops in his texts and his various social media profiles for evidence of cheating. 

Now let's say she finds it.

Now what? Sure, she's confirmed and validated her suspicion, which she does (and you would) feel vindicated about. To be sure, though, it is a brief and hollow victory because, inevitably, the consequences of simply knowing that Jack cheated will set in. And make no mistake, they will set in with a heaviness that will be impossible to ignore.   

Jill can't change anything about the fact that Jack has cheated. That she is certain that he cheated and that she was right doesn't change the fact that it happened. More than that, knowing that Jack has cheated now means that Jill has placed upon herself the burden of deciding what to do with the information. Does she tell Jack she knows? Does she break up with him? Does she tell her best friend so she can get social support? What if she tells her best friend but doesn't choose to break up with Jack? Suddenly, Jill's life is much, much harder all because she asked a question (or snooped around for an answer to a question) that she wasn't sure she really wanted answered. 

So you see, sometimes a state of uncertainty is better for us. If we CHOOSE to obliterate uncertainty by asking questions (or snooping around) you also need to be prepared to live with the consequences of that knowledge. After all, you can't unring a bell. 

Rule #3: Be Awesome 

(Formerly Rule #4, Formerly Called "Act Right")

When I first wrote the rule "Act Right" its primary focus was on not being our worst selves. In this refreshed version of The Rules, I think a modification to the focus of the Rule is warranted. As such, Rule #3 is now a 2-part rule. 

Part I: Don't Suck. 

This was the original spirit of The Rule called "Act Right." It's still important so I didn't want to toss it. If we are going to choose to stay away from crazy, we should also commit to not BEING crazy. We should work, all the time, at avoiding causing harm to other people. This means thinking before we speak or act. Specifically we should be taking honest stock of whether the thing we want to say or do comes with risk of hurting or injuring other people. If there is risk of harm, we have to be sure that the risk is worth the consequences for ourselves AND the other affected people. More importantly, we have to be willing to take responsibility and accept the consequences of inflicting that harm. Being conscientious, thoughtful people is at the core of not sucking. It's important and we should work at it. 

Part II: Be Your Best Self. 

On the flip side of not sucking is being our best selves. Certainly, the best of who we are is devoid of doing things that harm other people, but it's also much more than that. It's about knowing what is wonderful and beautiful about who we are and being willing to share that with other people - for their benefit and our own. If you're a musician, play a song. If you're a teacher, mentor someone. If you're an attorney, do pro bono work for someone who needs a good lawyer but can't afford one. Let other people reap the benefit of the best of who you are, not just the you that's trying not to suck. 

Rule #4: Seize Joy

This one. This is the one I have struggled with for the last year. Finally, FINALLY, I am funneling a considerable amount of my energy toward seeking out and seizing joy. In just deciding that I needed to work at seizing joy, I am happier. Why? Because I'm making the choice to be happy. 

In the course of choosing happiness I'm making decisions to improve different facets of my life. These decisions, while they may seem unrelated, are driving together toward the singular purpose of moving me toward maximal enjoyment of the one, precious, finite adventure that is my life. 

When I wrote this rule in the original version I said the following, and it still works so it stays:

You have one short, little, precious life on the planet. Go out and seek and grab and pull to you those things, experiences, and people who fill your heart with boundless delight (while sticking to Rule #3). Ya gotta go out and get your happiness. And when you do, hold like hell onto it.

These are The Rules. They've changed a little but mostly stayed the same. They are still the only 4 Rules that I think need to be on the list. And they are the 4 Rules, that when I follow them, I really do feel like I'm living my best life.