Daytime Tri-Cities Day 3: When to Let Go

Today's topic on Daytime was Knowing When to Let it Go.

Here's the video.

So we've met someone we're attracted to. We've been out a few times. But still, something about it doesn't feel totally right. We're having trouble figuring out whether our partner is as into us as we are into them. This results in the inevitable question: am I wise to hang on or should I just let it go?

The best advice I can give a person about when it's time to let a potential relationship go is when pursuing or participating in the relationship causes more hurt or anxiety than joy. Now, it's important for me to ask you to reframe your thinking. Many folks have been in long relationships, especially marriages up to this point in their lives. We tend to have the mentality that we should hold onto a relationship for as long as we can as hard as we can because that's what is necessary of a marriage. Let me be clear, holding on and doing the work is important BUT at the start of a relationship, if you feel like you're forcing a square peg into a round hole, cut and run.

Here's the thing. Relationships are supposed to make our lives better. We are supposed to be spending time and cultivating a relationship with someone who adds to our lives. I think that you will agree that while there is a certain excitement that comes from the chasing and hunting and playing hard to get that start most relationships, there comes a point that all of that excitement turns into anxiety and then eventually annoyance. Anxiety is not good. It is a relationship mind trick. Anxiety is easily mistaken for excitement when, in fact, it is not. It is bad and unnecessary. It doesn't make you better as a person and it doesn't add to your life. There is no point to holding on to anxiety. Cut and run.

There are books and movies that try to point out tips and tricks to help you know whether someone is into you. Does he fail to call? Does he frequently cancel his plans with you? Does he stand you up? Is he dating other people? Does he hit on your friends? Do you have to initiate all of the contact you have with him?

These are, in fact, all signs that a person isn't as invested in you and your relationship as you are. BUT, in my estimation, the best indicator of whether someone is worth holding onto is how pursuing that relationship and spending time with that person make you feel.

• If you feel valued, respected, and honored by your partner, hold onto it.
• If you happily look forward to the next time you will see or speak to your partner, hold onto it.
• If you feel that you can comfortably be yourself and that your partner will still find you attractive and enjoyable, hold onto it.

HOWEVER

• If you feel dismissed, disregarded, or unimportant to your partner, especially if you have communicated this to your partner, let it go. 
• If you compulsively check your phone or voicemail to see if your partner has contacted you because you don't know when or (worse yet) if they will contact you, let it go. 
• If you feel that you have to hide who you really are, or avoid communicating what you want, need or expect in the relationship because you fear that your partner will like you less, let it go.

Of course, there are other nuanced things to consider when you decide to stay or leave a relationship, especially as the relationship progresses, but if at the start of a relationship you don't feel confident that your partner is invested in you, that situation is highly unlikely to get better. Actually, if you stick around and pursue a disinterested partner even when the relationship doesn't make your life better, you set a precedent that communicates your consent to being dismissed, disregarded, disrespected, or made to feel unimportant by a partner. That's a bad foot to start any relationship on. 

So, as much as the idea of being alone is sometimes more awful than continuing to pursue a less than perfect relationship, always consider what such a choice says about your perception of your own value as a person. If you believe you are worth a joyful, happy relationship with someone who unabashedly and consistently communicates that you are valuable to them, don't bind yourself to anyone offering anything less.