Daytime Tri-Cities Day 2: The First Date

On Day 2 of Relationship 101 on Daytime, we talked about first date dos and don'ts. Here's the long story short: be the best version of yourself and leave your baggage at home.

Here's the video.

We put a lot of pressure on the first date. We tend to walk into a first date scenario with the belief that we are screening a person for their long-term date potential. While there's no really getting around that - we wouldn't go on a first date if we didn't think we might want to pursue a relationship with a person - the fact is that the first date isn't the right context for making that decision. Rather, a first date is just an opportunity to have a conversation with a person and figure out whether we want to see them again. That's it. Seriously.

First dates are a place for you to present a happy, well-groomed, friendly, socially-appropriate version of your naturally interesting self to a person who should be presenting a similar version of his/her naturally interesting self. Talk about what's cool about you, what you're proud of in your life, how you spend your time, the happy relationships you have cultivated with your family and friends, neat talents or hobbies or interests you have, the last book you read, your taste in music.

First dates are not the time to talk about your failed relationships, how you've been hurt, your anxieties about yourself, the anger or mistrust or resentment you have toward the opposite sex, the complexities in your life that you think will be challenges for another person to deal with in an ongoing relationship. Yes, there is a time and place and need to discuss all of that - eventually. A friendly conversation with someone you're only getting to know isn't it. We'll get to that as a relationship grows and we develop mutual trust, but we can't do that on a first date. If all you are on the first date is anxiety and complaint and baggage, a) you don't entice a person into wanting to get to know more about you and b) they have no reason to deal with your baggage; they are hauling around some of their own. 

Now, some of you may be asking: "Hey Doc Carrie, the truth is that I have baggage. I have been hurt. I have conflict with my ex-spouse on an ongoing basis. I feel like a person should know all of that going in. Aren't I lying if I don't share it?" I have one response to that:

Imagine if you met a person in a coffee shop, you swapped phone numbers, and you arranged a first date. When you arrive at the agreed upon location, you see your date in sweat pants, a very old tshirt, with hair that hasn't been carefully attended to. You would be displeased. We know that sprucing up - doing up the hair, wearing something flattering, and smelling nice - are all adornments that accentuate who we are, but strictly speaking, aren't entirely honest. Yet, we expect that a person is going to take enough care to work to present his or her best face on a first date. Being mindful of what not to talk about on a first date is no more deceptive than wearing eyeliner or cologne. 

So, as we gear up for a first date, spend some time thinking about what you like and are proud of about yourself. Bring all of that wonderfulness about who you are to the front of your mind and keep it there as you dress for, arrive at, and participate in your date. Let all of what's great about you show in the conversation and worry about the pile of metaphorical luggage waiting back for you at the house when you get home.