Lesson 7, Part II: Orgasm, the Human Brain, and Why People Cheat

This is Part II of a two-part post on infidelity in romantic relationships. Part I was a discussion of what constitutes cheating and you can read it here.

The object of this post is to try to address the question of why people commit infidelity. It's a long one, so I've inserted headings to let you find the parts of the post you are most interested in. I hope that you find it informative and interesting in spite of its length.

Introduction

If you've ever been cheated on, you know that the first question that comes to mind upon the discovery that your partner committed an unfaithful act is "why?". We want to understand or justify an act that is widely considered to be one of the most offensive relational betrayals a person can commit. Unfortunately, receiving an explanation for their behavior from an unfaithful partner is rarely satisfying, and often it hurts more than it helps. So, allow me to provide one (of many possible) explanations for infidelity.

Before I get to the part where I explain why I think people cheat, we need to have a conversation about sex and the human brain.

The Human Brain

The human brain is awesome. It's astounding what the human brain has allowed us to innovate. We have imagined, engineered, and created everything from the pyramids to a means by which we can travel to space.  The complexity of the human brain is, of course, what differentiates us from other mammals. Not only do we possess superior intellect than our mammalian cousins, but we also have a highly developed prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is a part of the brain that is dedicated to uniquely human activities such impulse control and decision making. Where most animals do what they do out of instinct, human beings can reason their way into (or out of) any behavior. The prefrontal cortext, my friends, is the thing that keeps us from slapping people who have 30 items in the 20 items or less line, or from stealing an expensive but utterly spectacular pair of shoes. The prefrontal cortex is largely responsible for an orderly and organized human civilization.

Now, as excellent as the prefrontal cortex is for motivating sound judgment and self-control in human beings, sometimes it talks us out of engaging in some basic biological activities. Sometimes this is good - like when you actively decide not to pass gas in an elevator. Sometimes, this benefit is arguable - like when your brain talks you out of having sex with someone whom your body is sure will provide the genetic material for healthy and robust offspring. After all, without engaging in sexual intercourse with viable members of the opposite sex, human beings have no natural means by which to reproduce.

So here's the trouble: sometimes our animalness will tell us we ought to be getting it on with someone, but our humanness talks us out of it because doing so would violate social rules that tell us that we should control our sexual impulses. In other words, our brains are sometimes at war with our bodies.

The Amazing Orgasm

We might expect that the sophistication of the human brain would allow it to win any war it waged against the basic impulses of the body. That might be true if our bodies weren't engineered specifically to promote sexual desire and activity. Don't believe me? Well, then, it's time to talk about the Big O. Orgasms (especially males' orgasms) are essential for human reproduction. Their primary function is to release sperm in order to make them available to fertilize an egg. There is absolutely no reason that an orgasm needs to be particularly pleasurable in order to achieve this objective. Yet, it is; and extremely so. Were it not for the difficult-to-otherwise-achieve pleasure of an orgasm, people would be largely indifferent to engaging in sexual intercourse. If we take a lesson from the world's dwindling population of pandas, we know that indifference to engaging in sexual intercourse can endanger the survival of a species. That sex is delightful motivates human beings to do it, which ensures the continuation of humans on this planet. The particular pleasure associated with sex makes it sometimes difficult for the brain's prefrontal cortex to make the choice not to indulge in a sexual interaction with an available, attractive partner in spite of our commitment to exclusivity with someone else.

Okay, so we understand that biology is motivating. We also know that the human brain is designed to allow people to think about the consequences of their actions and choose to engage in an action or not depending on how we evaluate the consequences. We also know that in spite of knowing the consequences and rules, people sometimes choose to engage in rule-violating sexual contact.

Reported Explanations for Unfaithful Behavior 

So, the question is - why do some people let their bodies win out over their brains and end up cheating on their partners?

People who study infidelity have identified a number of explanations for this. I'll run down a few:
1. Sexual dissatisfaction with the primary partner (i.e, partner doesn't offer the kind of sex that you want with the frequency that you want)
2. Emotional dissatisfaction with the primary partner (i.e., the relationship isn't adequately intimate or fails to meet other non-sexual needs)
3. Boredom with the partner and the relationship (more likely the longer the relationship is)
4. Stronger orientation to rule-breaking, sensation-seeking, or other behaviors that are considered risky
5. Attitudes toward sex that promote more sexually promiscuous behavior, or negative attitudes toward monogamy

The list could go on.

At the end of the day, though, a person who cheats is confronted with the the following situation: I have made a commitment to be in an exclusive relationship with my partner, which means I cannot pursue or accept sexual contact from anyone else. BUT, I want to have sexual contact with other people. Either I honor my commitment and deal with my sexual or relational dissatisfaction OR I achieve satisfaction outside my relationship and I violate relational rules and deal with whatever consequences follow from that choice.

Basic Motivation for Infidelity: Selfishenss

After all of that, the question that motivated this post remains: why do some people make the choice to violate relational rules to meet their needs?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. The particular explanations for any individual's choice to cheat are nuanced and specific to particular persons. Having said that, however, I would contend that regardless of the particulars of a person's reason to cheat, I think that the broad, overarching explanation for cheating is selfishness.

Cheating is the result of a person's refusal to relinquish the benefits of being in the primary relationship while receiving the benefits of another relationship. Often, the primary relationship provides us with a range of benefits we are unwilling to give up to pursue an extramarital fling, such as material or financial security or a partner to assist in the caring for children. Trying to maximize benefits while minimizing costs is a very normal method of decision making, but people who make the choice to cheat do so knowing that although they are receiving maximum benefits, their primary partners have enormous potential to receive negative consequences, and therein lies the selfishness.

I have also had people say that they choose to be unfaithful not to retain the benefits of the primary relationship (as there are very few), but rather they cheat to avoid the negative consequences of terminating the primary relationship. Such costly outcomes of relationship termination include a costly divorce, conflict over dividing shared possessions, potential loss of parts of a shared social network, and feelings of guilt for hurting the partner and destroying the relationship. In this case, the selfishness is rooted more in the refusal to accept the negative consequences of a more responsible and relationship-focused choice.

In either case, the unfaithful partner prioritizes his or her own positive outcomes over the rules of the relationship. Said differently: the unfaithful partner prioritizes his or her own happiness over being a respectful person who honors relational rules and commitment to a relationship. This, in my estimation, is the definition of selfishness.

Now, I realize that one might argue that selfishness and maximizing one's own positive outcomes is nothing more than a wise practice that ensures an individual's survival and high quality of life. That may well be true, but, as true as that statement may be, the fact is that happy, functioning relationships cannot survive when either partner values him or herself more than the relationship. If your aim is to be focused entirely on your self and your own positive outcomes, then close interpersonal connections are probably not for you. If, however, your aim is to participate meaningfully in the growth of close relationships with others, you must understand that a certain amount of sacrificing your own impulsive desires is necessary to make that happen.

The Take-Home Point and Some Parting Thoughts

So, at the end of the day, if you want to know why you were cheated on, the simple answer is: your partner is selfish and cares more about him or herself than about you or your relationship. Save yourself an uncomfortable interaction by accepting the reality of that statement.

If you are a person who has ever been unfaithful and you've convinced yourself that you cheated for some arguably justifiable reason, I'm sorry to have to tell you that the reality is that you were too selfish to honor the rules of your relationship. Yes, it is that simple.

I hope that this post has been illuminating for you. More than that, I hope you never have to refer to this post to understand an event in your own relationship.

Class dismissed.

Lesson 7, Part I: Is Flirting Cheating? - Defining Infidelity

When we discuss infidelity in my interpersonal communication class, there are usually three things that my students find most interesting:

1. What counts as cheating,
2. Why people cheat, and
3. Whether a relationship can survive the commission of an infidelity.

I've already talked about whether a relationship can survive an infidelity in my post about Trust, so if you're dealing with this issue, revisit that post. The other two questions are equally important, and I'd like to handle them in separate posts. So, the purpose of this Part I post on infidelity is to answer the question: what is infidelity?

Clearly defining infidelity is important because it allows us to accurately evaluate our own and our partners' behavior to determine whether or not an infidelity has been committed. Often, my students want my permission to be hurt or upset with a partner either for cheating or for unjustly accusing them of cheating. As much as my students want a clear and decisive answer to the question, "is it cheating if _______________?", I can never provide one.

This is because there isn't an exhaustive or universally agreed-upon list of what constitutes infidelity. Whether an act is considered unfaithful depends entirely on what behaviors a couple defines as cheating in their relationship. This variation in what people consider cheating is why some couples believe that flirting with the hottie at the cafe for a discount on coffee is cheating, while other couples have elaborate rules surrounding the management of an open relationship in which the act of having sex with another person is not, unto itself, an act of infidelity.

Though we can't identify a list of behaviors that are always considered unfaithful, understanding the definition of infidelity can provide us with some insight. So, infidelity can best be defined as the violation of one or more rules regarding exclusivity in the relationship. It's fairly common for couples of formally or explicitly declare that they are in an exclusive relationship, but far less frequently do couples explicate what resources they agree to get only from each other and no one else (which, after all, is the definition of "exclusive"). Generally, the declaration of exclusivity means that partners will not engage in sexual contact with people other than each other, but is often the case that a range of other behaviors may also be considered violations of exclusivity.

One of the difficulties of determining whether an act is unfaithful according to the rules of a relationship is that we often fail to discuss the rules until someone breaks a rule that they didn't know existed. Sometimes, our partners will engage in an arguably inappropriate interaction with someone we might consider a rival to our relationship, and we get upset. Our partners may not have known they were doing anything wrong. In some cases, even we didn't realize the behavior was problematic until it upset us. In highly functioning relationships, such a scenario will provide an opportunity for partners to talk to each other to clarify what behaviors are consistent with an agreement to be exclusive, and what behaviors are not. When couples respect each other, they both agree to honor the new boundary and the troublesome incident never has to repeat itself.

In couples that are less functional, however, a violation of implicit rules of exclusivity are acknowledged with some form of negative communication such as being in a bad mood or criticizing the partner, but no discussion about why the behavior was problematic. The perpetrating partner knows that his or her mate is upset, but may not realize why. This creates negativity in the relationship, but it doesn't clarify what behavior resulted in the relational distress. Because the perpetrating partner may not realize what he or she did wrong, there is a high probability that the behavior will be repeated. The repetition of the troublesome act results in an increase of hurt, anger, and resentment for the other partner. Ongoing negativity and harboring of resentment is one of the most efficient ways to affect a rapid decline in relational quality. Talking, then, about what is or isn't cheating becomes important to the maintenance of trust, and thus, satisfaction in the relationship.

So, if you're confronted with a situation in your relationship in which your partner has committed what you perceive to be unfaithful behavior, don't let it poison your relationship by refusing to openly discuss it. Yes, this can be uncomfortable. Yes, it may be construed as accusatory which may initially exacerbate the problem. But, if you are calm, reasonable, clear in communicating your thoughts, and willing to listen to your partner, you can create an opportunity for a fruitful and potentially relationship-saving conversation.

Of course, clarification of boundaries doesn't necessarily prevent unfaithful behavior, but that's a post for a different day.

Class dismissed.