Forgiveness

I've been talking with a couple of friends recently about infidelity. Across my conversations with both of them, the thing that echoed in the back of my mind was the matter of forgiveness. More specifically, I have been thinking about the fact that forgiveness central to the restoration of trust which is the foundation on which the relationship going forward will be built.

The question, then, is: how do we come to forgiveness?

In the course of writing my dissertation, I came across a chapter written by Tedeschi and Nesler (1993) that talked about how people work through being on the wrong end of someone else's bad behavior. Their model had a couple of additions, but the essence of what they argued was this:

• First, a betrayal is committed (after all, without a betrayal, there is no need for forgiveness)
• Second, a responsible party is identified as having committed the betrayal
• Third, the responsible party accepts ownership for commission of the betrayal
• Fourth, the responsible party makes some reparation for the betrayal
• Finally, the person who was betrayed moves toward forgiveness

So in plain English: someone does something wrong to someone else. The person who did wrong has to own what s/he did wrong and attempt to make up for the wrong-doing in a way that is roughly proportional to the original betrayal.

What I love about this model is that it expects that the person who committed the wrong-doing to take responsibility for him/herself and try to fix it. Now, seeing as we can't get into a DeLorean and go back in time to the moment just before we made a wrong choice, what can we do (or avoid) to take responsibility for a major betrayal we have committed against someone we love?

I've got some thoughts on that: 

1. Apologize. For heaven's sake, apologize. And not one of these perfunctory, I'm-apologizing-because-it's-the-socially-appropriate-thing-to-do-but-I'm-not-really-sorry-and-I'll-likely-do-it-again apologies. No. Like a legit statement of recognition of wrong doing and a sincere display of remorse for what you've done and the hurt the other person is feeling because of it.

2. Don't confess unless you expect the relationship to end. Okay, so now we get into some ethical gray area about whether a betrayal that your partner wouldn't know about unless you confessed it should be confessed at all. I am not prepared to get that dirty right now. What I am prepared to say, though, is that if you know you violated a major relational rule, you should should expect there to be negative consequences. One of these consequences may very well be a loss of the relationship. If your partner doesn't want to be with you as a result of your betrayal, you have to deal with that as a foreseeable outcome of your actions. What you don't get to do is accuse your partner of being crazy, irrational, unreasonable, unfair, blah blah blah if that's what s/he decides is necessary and/or appropriate.

3. Don't give more information than you're asked for. One of my rules for existing as a human being is to never ask a question that you don't want to know the honest answer to. I would amend that rule to say that if a person tells you that they don't want to know, then don't tell them. You have to understand that you just confessed to a major betrayal. That is a lot to deal with unto itself without a barrage of information coming at your partner that they aren't even sure they want to know. What's more, is that chances are that you're being ultra-disclosive for one of two reasons: either you are trying to unburden your conscience or you're trying to get your partner to break up with you. Neither helping you feel less guilty nor giving you a way out of initiating a break up conversation is your partner's responsibility in this situation.

4. Don't berate, belittle, or insult yourself. Yes, you probably feel like a big pile of poo if you genuinely feel remorse for your betrayal and if you really do want to mend your relationship. And you might really, truly honestly feel like you have nothing to say except to call yourself names. I'm telling you, though, find something else to say. If you insult yourself you're trying to beat your partner to the punch - if you call yourself a(n) [insert your favorite ugly insult here], your partner has no reason to also call you a(n) [see previous insult]. This may seem like a harmless self-protective thing to do, but it's a problem because your partner, if s/he loves you, will feel the need to reassure you that you aren't whatever insult you've called yourself. Let me put that differently: you (the betrayer) are asking your partner (whom you have just confessed to betraying) to console and comfort you in response to your well-deserved guilt. That's an awfully manipulative thing for you to be doing if you've just confessed to a major relational violation. 

5.  Don't ask your partner how they want your betrayal made up to him/her. Like alleviating your guilt, or ending the relationship you didn't want, this puts work and responsibility on your partner for repairing something s/he didn't break. You should be thinking to yourself "how can I prove I love him/her?" and then go do it. I'd like to point out that buying flowers or candy or funding shopping sprees or bringing home puppies are not expressions of love. On a good day, they are gestures of affection. If they come following a betrayal, they are small and trite and comically insignificant as compared to a major betrayal. You may have to prove your love by being willing to give something up in order to invest more in your relationship.

As is always the case, this list isn't by any means exhaustive. It is, however, a compilation of some of the major missteps I've witnessed people making in the course of confessing betrayals to their loved ones.

In the end, you can avoid all of this by really truly trying, every day of your life, not to suck. 
 

References

Tedeschi, J. T., & Nesler, M. S. (1993). Grievances: Development and reactions. Aggression and Violence: Social Interactionist Perspectives. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Relationships are Like Gardens Part III: Even Good Ones Have Pests

A few months ago, I was in attendance at the wedding of a dear friend in the delightful city of Chattanooga, Tennessee. On the morning of the wedding, with a few hours to spend alone in the city, I made my way out to find a wedding gift. I will note here that gift-giving isn't my strong suit (I'm great with doing favors, but less brilliant at giving gifts), so I had been thinking for days about what to get the happy couple. Finally, as I was waiting in line that morning to buy my faithful companion, giant iced coffee, I made up my mind.

I left the coffee shop and headed to a bookstore where I picked up for them a copy of John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I know, it could be construed as cynical to give a book on marital management as a wedding gift, even for people who know me well (and know how much I value knowledge and education as the foundation of happy relationships). Truly, I mean nothing negative in this gift. Elizabeth and David are a wonderful match for one another, they clearly love each other dearly, and they are both committed to making a lifetime of happiness together.

Naturally, then, you should be asking, "CarrieO, if they understand how to do a relationship well, what do Elizabeth and David need with a book on marital functioning". Good question. To answer it, I present to you Part III of Why Relationships are Like Gardens: Even Good Ones Have Pests.

Sometimes, You End Up With Slugs

Tapping back in to our analogy of a garden, the truth is that no matter how much we've learned about how to grow cilantro or tomatoes, and no matter how much we've planned and executed our planting to maximize our success, we can't prevent every  problem. Bugs, slugs, rabbits, birds, and plant diseases are things that our knowledgeable planning can help mitigate, but may not be able to prevent entirely. When the pests start creeping into the garden, we have to manage them well if we expect to be able to harvest.

Our relationships are not unlike this. Being well-matched to our partners in terms of our values, skills, and dedication to our relationship can stave off a lot of challenges that crop up (no pun intended) in our relationships. In spite of all of that, though, it is inevitable that in a lifetime together, we will occasionally encounter situations that create relational strain.

Realizing that we can't predict or control every source of relational strain, part of our becoming knowledgeable and skilled is being able to anticipate, recognize, and effectively manage unavoidable relational stressors. The upshot of this is that stress unto itself doesn't necessarily adversely impact relational quality. Rather, how we manage that strain does.

You Would Never Set Your Garden On Fire

Consider it this way: suppose you've chosen to plant tomatoes. Let's also suppose that some time after you plant, you end up with a situation in which your garden is infested by slugs that eat your plants before they bear fruit. We could manage the slugs by way of, say, setting the garden on fire. As much as that may kill the slugs, it would also decimate the garden. In setting your garden aflame, you've accomplished nothing productive. Sure, you've killed the slugs, but you've also prevented your ability to harvest the fruit of your garden. You've shot yourself in the foot because all of that planting and pruning leads to nothing productive.

You may be thinking that talking about setting a garden on fire to get rid of slugs seems like an insane and irrational example that doesn't really extend into relationship management. I would beg to differ. The reason setting fire to a garden seems insane is because it is an obvious overreaction to a problem in the garden. Interestingly, human beings aren't always quite so adept at recognizing the irrational overreaction that some of our reactions to relational strain may be.

Set Down the Matches, and Get Some Self-Control

Rather than yelling, pouting, giving your partner the cold shoulder, or retaliating by doing frustrating things in times of relational stress, the best thing we can do is muster some self-control and perspective.

The challenge in gaining perspective is in controlling emotions - hurt, anger, frustration, annoyance - that interfere with both our willingness and ability to simply speak our needs to our partners. If we allow our strong emotions to dictate our behavior in a moment then we may, in fact, do more damage to our relationships than we mean to. Much like a fire in a garden, if we act rashly out of emotion and without forethought, the damage we do to our relationships out of unhappy emotion can lead to consequences that are vastly more difficult to remedy than we intended.

So, the sum total of all of this is that when we bind ourselves in loving bonds to other human beings, we have no choice but to contend with the quirks our loved ones possess. If we want love and closeness to grow like a garden, then we have to learn to patiently cultivate the parts of the garden that nourish us without destroying the entire thing out of frustration.

Stay tuned for part four.

Lesson 7, Part I: Is Flirting Cheating? - Defining Infidelity

When we discuss infidelity in my interpersonal communication class, there are usually three things that my students find most interesting:

1. What counts as cheating,
2. Why people cheat, and
3. Whether a relationship can survive the commission of an infidelity.

I've already talked about whether a relationship can survive an infidelity in my post about Trust, so if you're dealing with this issue, revisit that post. The other two questions are equally important, and I'd like to handle them in separate posts. So, the purpose of this Part I post on infidelity is to answer the question: what is infidelity?

Clearly defining infidelity is important because it allows us to accurately evaluate our own and our partners' behavior to determine whether or not an infidelity has been committed. Often, my students want my permission to be hurt or upset with a partner either for cheating or for unjustly accusing them of cheating. As much as my students want a clear and decisive answer to the question, "is it cheating if _______________?", I can never provide one.

This is because there isn't an exhaustive or universally agreed-upon list of what constitutes infidelity. Whether an act is considered unfaithful depends entirely on what behaviors a couple defines as cheating in their relationship. This variation in what people consider cheating is why some couples believe that flirting with the hottie at the cafe for a discount on coffee is cheating, while other couples have elaborate rules surrounding the management of an open relationship in which the act of having sex with another person is not, unto itself, an act of infidelity.

Though we can't identify a list of behaviors that are always considered unfaithful, understanding the definition of infidelity can provide us with some insight. So, infidelity can best be defined as the violation of one or more rules regarding exclusivity in the relationship. It's fairly common for couples of formally or explicitly declare that they are in an exclusive relationship, but far less frequently do couples explicate what resources they agree to get only from each other and no one else (which, after all, is the definition of "exclusive"). Generally, the declaration of exclusivity means that partners will not engage in sexual contact with people other than each other, but is often the case that a range of other behaviors may also be considered violations of exclusivity.

One of the difficulties of determining whether an act is unfaithful according to the rules of a relationship is that we often fail to discuss the rules until someone breaks a rule that they didn't know existed. Sometimes, our partners will engage in an arguably inappropriate interaction with someone we might consider a rival to our relationship, and we get upset. Our partners may not have known they were doing anything wrong. In some cases, even we didn't realize the behavior was problematic until it upset us. In highly functioning relationships, such a scenario will provide an opportunity for partners to talk to each other to clarify what behaviors are consistent with an agreement to be exclusive, and what behaviors are not. When couples respect each other, they both agree to honor the new boundary and the troublesome incident never has to repeat itself.

In couples that are less functional, however, a violation of implicit rules of exclusivity are acknowledged with some form of negative communication such as being in a bad mood or criticizing the partner, but no discussion about why the behavior was problematic. The perpetrating partner knows that his or her mate is upset, but may not realize why. This creates negativity in the relationship, but it doesn't clarify what behavior resulted in the relational distress. Because the perpetrating partner may not realize what he or she did wrong, there is a high probability that the behavior will be repeated. The repetition of the troublesome act results in an increase of hurt, anger, and resentment for the other partner. Ongoing negativity and harboring of resentment is one of the most efficient ways to affect a rapid decline in relational quality. Talking, then, about what is or isn't cheating becomes important to the maintenance of trust, and thus, satisfaction in the relationship.

So, if you're confronted with a situation in your relationship in which your partner has committed what you perceive to be unfaithful behavior, don't let it poison your relationship by refusing to openly discuss it. Yes, this can be uncomfortable. Yes, it may be construed as accusatory which may initially exacerbate the problem. But, if you are calm, reasonable, clear in communicating your thoughts, and willing to listen to your partner, you can create an opportunity for a fruitful and potentially relationship-saving conversation.

Of course, clarification of boundaries doesn't necessarily prevent unfaithful behavior, but that's a post for a different day.

Class dismissed.

Lesson 6: Trust

This is as much a lesson on relationship management as it is a Soapbox Session. It's a little longer than my average post, but trust is a big relational deal so it's worth the words (and the read).

The big idea: A relationship cannot function without trust. If you do not trust your partner, or your partner does not trust you, the possibility for the relationship to grow or bear the nurturing fruit of closeness is limited at best. A realistic view of the level of trust in your relationship must underlie your decision to escalate or persist in a relationship. If you do not realistically trust your partner, there is no point at all to being in the relationship. Period. Seriously. Read on.

To begin, we should probably define trust.

Trust is the confident expectation that your partner will not harm you. In close relationships, harm usually comes in the form of the commission of a relational betrayal. Betrayals are acts, large or small, that violate the implicit or explicit rules for conduct in a relationship. When a betrayal is committed, our confidence in the expectation that our partners will not harm us wanes. If enough betrayals of significant importance are committed, our expectation shifts away from believing our relationships are safe and moves toward a confident expectation that our partners will do us harm. This results in a relationship being characterized by a lack of trust.

Under normal relationship circumstances, occasional violations of relational rules of minor or moderate importance will happen. Usually, these relatively minor betrayals are a by-product of selfishness or thoughtlessness. Though these may be annoying, generally, these relatively minor betrayals are neither a sign of, nor do they lead to, relational disintegration. Rather, we are able to rely on the bank of relational credit that we have accrued in the relationship to draw against to cover the negative effects of a betrayal. In other words, if the betrayal is small enough, and the relationship is good enough, even after the betrayal, the overall value of the relationship is still positive. We are able to return to a confident expectation that our relationship is a safe place to be.

There are circumstances, however, during which we find it difficult or impossible to recover trust in a relationship. If a betrayal is the violation of a major relational rule (such as the commission of a sexual infidelity) or if the landscape of the relationship is generally negative, then there may not be enough positive relational credit to cover the negative effects of a betrayal. If the relationship cannot recover from the negative effects of a relational betrayal, then we end up trying to carry on a relationship with someone whom we expect will metaphorically take a hammer to our hearts every time we hand it to him or her. This, my dear friends, does not make for a happy relationship. This isn't good. It isn't productive. It serves no purpose. It has no point.

So what we know so far is that:

1. Trust is the confident expectation that our partners will not harm us.
   
   
2. Minor betrayals that happen in the context of a generally positive relationship do not typically have lasting negative effects on the trust in a relationship.
3. Major betrayals or frequent betrayals that happen in the context of an already-negative relationship undermine and can ultimately destroy trust in a relationship.
4. Relationships that lack trust are ultimately pointless to pursue.

A common question that I get from my students is whether and how trust can be recovered after a major betrayal (or a lot of smaller betrayals that have ruined the overall landscape of the relationship). 

The answer to that question is dependent on many things. Arguably, though, one of the most important factors that determines whether trust can be restored is whether we are able to forgive our partners. Forgiveness is complicated and deserves its own post. Suffice it to say, that being able to move past the betrayal and believe truly that our partners will never commit a betrayal of the same magnitude is essential to post-betrayal relational functioning. While I'm not prepared to talk about both trust and forgiveness in this post, what I do want to say regarding post-betrayal trust is this:

If you cannot forgive your partner, then terminate the relationship.

I'm going to remind everyone here that I am not a marriage therapist. I'm a scholar and teacher and relationships are my area of expertise. While my aim is generally to help my readers navigate as successfully as possible through the muddy waters of relationship stress, it is also the case that sometimes I want my readers to figure out when a relationship is past its expiration date. If you feel like you're handing your heart to your partner with the expectation of it being smashed to smithereens, it's time to cut and run. And here's why:

1. You will behave badly. Bad behavior comes in a variety of forms. You may be suspicious, snoop, engage in surveillance or following behaviors, you may perform repeated tests of your partner's devotion, you may stop being mindful of your own obligation to be kind, courteous, or respectful because you feel your partner owes you something . . . you get the idea.
2. Your bad behaviors, how ever justified you (or your partner) initially perceive them to be, will be equivalent to ongoing relational punishment.
3. While the punishment may be warranted, your partner will eventually come to feel like they have paid their relational debt to you by taking whatever punishment you see fit to dish out. The point at which your partner feels that he or she has paid their debt, your punishment will be seen as a justification for your partner's further bad behavior. After all, if we are already being punished, then why bother behaving?
4. The point: your bad behavior begets negativity, which will beget further negative behavior, and so on in a vicious cycle.

And as I said above, a lousy relationship characterized by negativity and that drains your resources and your joy is a colossal waste of emotional energy and other resources. Stop it. If you can't let go of the betrayal, then let go of the relationship. 

Class dismissed.