Lesson 6: Trust

This is as much a lesson on relationship management as it is a Soapbox Session. It's a little longer than my average post, but trust is a big relational deal so it's worth the words (and the read).

The big idea: A relationship cannot function without trust. If you do not trust your partner, or your partner does not trust you, the possibility for the relationship to grow or bear the nurturing fruit of closeness is limited at best. A realistic view of the level of trust in your relationship must underlie your decision to escalate or persist in a relationship. If you do not realistically trust your partner, there is no point at all to being in the relationship. Period. Seriously. Read on.

To begin, we should probably define trust.

Trust is the confident expectation that your partner will not harm you. In close relationships, harm usually comes in the form of the commission of a relational betrayal. Betrayals are acts, large or small, that violate the implicit or explicit rules for conduct in a relationship. When a betrayal is committed, our confidence in the expectation that our partners will not harm us wanes. If enough betrayals of significant importance are committed, our expectation shifts away from believing our relationships are safe and moves toward a confident expectation that our partners will do us harm. This results in a relationship being characterized by a lack of trust.

Under normal relationship circumstances, occasional violations of relational rules of minor or moderate importance will happen. Usually, these relatively minor betrayals are a by-product of selfishness or thoughtlessness. Though these may be annoying, generally, these relatively minor betrayals are neither a sign of, nor do they lead to, relational disintegration. Rather, we are able to rely on the bank of relational credit that we have accrued in the relationship to draw against to cover the negative effects of a betrayal. In other words, if the betrayal is small enough, and the relationship is good enough, even after the betrayal, the overall value of the relationship is still positive. We are able to return to a confident expectation that our relationship is a safe place to be.

There are circumstances, however, during which we find it difficult or impossible to recover trust in a relationship. If a betrayal is the violation of a major relational rule (such as the commission of a sexual infidelity) or if the landscape of the relationship is generally negative, then there may not be enough positive relational credit to cover the negative effects of a betrayal. If the relationship cannot recover from the negative effects of a relational betrayal, then we end up trying to carry on a relationship with someone whom we expect will metaphorically take a hammer to our hearts every time we hand it to him or her. This, my dear friends, does not make for a happy relationship. This isn't good. It isn't productive. It serves no purpose. It has no point.

So what we know so far is that:

1. Trust is the confident expectation that our partners will not harm us.
   
   
2. Minor betrayals that happen in the context of a generally positive relationship do not typically have lasting negative effects on the trust in a relationship.
3. Major betrayals or frequent betrayals that happen in the context of an already-negative relationship undermine and can ultimately destroy trust in a relationship.
4. Relationships that lack trust are ultimately pointless to pursue.

A common question that I get from my students is whether and how trust can be recovered after a major betrayal (or a lot of smaller betrayals that have ruined the overall landscape of the relationship). 

The answer to that question is dependent on many things. Arguably, though, one of the most important factors that determines whether trust can be restored is whether we are able to forgive our partners. Forgiveness is complicated and deserves its own post. Suffice it to say, that being able to move past the betrayal and believe truly that our partners will never commit a betrayal of the same magnitude is essential to post-betrayal relational functioning. While I'm not prepared to talk about both trust and forgiveness in this post, what I do want to say regarding post-betrayal trust is this:

If you cannot forgive your partner, then terminate the relationship.

I'm going to remind everyone here that I am not a marriage therapist. I'm a scholar and teacher and relationships are my area of expertise. While my aim is generally to help my readers navigate as successfully as possible through the muddy waters of relationship stress, it is also the case that sometimes I want my readers to figure out when a relationship is past its expiration date. If you feel like you're handing your heart to your partner with the expectation of it being smashed to smithereens, it's time to cut and run. And here's why:

1. You will behave badly. Bad behavior comes in a variety of forms. You may be suspicious, snoop, engage in surveillance or following behaviors, you may perform repeated tests of your partner's devotion, you may stop being mindful of your own obligation to be kind, courteous, or respectful because you feel your partner owes you something . . . you get the idea.
2. Your bad behaviors, how ever justified you (or your partner) initially perceive them to be, will be equivalent to ongoing relational punishment.
3. While the punishment may be warranted, your partner will eventually come to feel like they have paid their relational debt to you by taking whatever punishment you see fit to dish out. The point at which your partner feels that he or she has paid their debt, your punishment will be seen as a justification for your partner's further bad behavior. After all, if we are already being punished, then why bother behaving?
4. The point: your bad behavior begets negativity, which will beget further negative behavior, and so on in a vicious cycle.

And as I said above, a lousy relationship characterized by negativity and that drains your resources and your joy is a colossal waste of emotional energy and other resources. Stop it. If you can't let go of the betrayal, then let go of the relationship. 

Class dismissed.