Today, I wish to revisit the issue of conflict in relationships and talk about what makes for good conflict.
Remember that a conflict is a conversation between two people who have stated their needs to one another and found that their needs are incompatible. Conflict isn't a sign that the relationship is dysfunctional. In fact, it suggests that you and your partner recognize that an important function of your relationship is to meet your respective needs (our lesson on what I affectionately refer to as Glowworm Theory gets at this).
How to Have Bad Conflict
Conflict goes awry in a relationship, though, when we don't express our needs in a manner that demonstrates respect for our partners. Yes, we form relationships with the expectation that they meet our needs. But, our expectation that our relationship partner meets our needs doesn't entitle us to whatever we want, nor does it obligate our partners to give it. This sense of entitlement is often the reason that we are motivated to behave badly in conflict. We feel like our partners have to do what we ask. When they refuse, for whatever reason, we take this personally. This displeasure with our partners' refusal to meet our needs often manifests as anger or hurt.
If we feel hurt or angry enough, we might choose to demonstrate our negative emotions rather than attempting to resolve the conflict issue in a productive manner. Some things we do in destructive conflict include:
- Avoiding the issue or your partner
- Yelling or doing other things that express our negative emotions
- Acting defensive or refusing to take responsibility for unreasonable requests
- Insulting or criticizing our partner
- Being emotionally manipulative (e.g., trying to make our partners feel guilty)
- Retaliating (i.e., doing something we know will hurt our partners because they hurt us and we owe them one)
- Engaging in violent actions including threats, damaging property, or harming our partners
How to Have Good Conflict
Clearly, there are plenty of things that we can do in a conflict episode that can adversely impact our relationships. There are, however, plenty of things that we can do to make sure that a conversation about what we need doesn't turn the relationship toxic. So, here's some strategy for you for how to make your conflicts work for your relationship rather than against it.
- Really think about whether the need you're asking your partner to fulfill is reasonable.
A reasonable request is one that:
a) you have the right to expect from your partner,
b) that your partner has the means to give you, and
c) that your partner is comfortable giving you. - State your need in a manner that is respectful and consistent with the rules of the relationship.
You can't reasonably expect your partner to do anything to meet your needs if you express your needs aggressively, passive aggressively, ambiguously, or in any manner that doesn't promote clear, honest, respectful talking about your needs. - Identify whether the incompatibility that exists between your needs and those of your partner is real or perceived.
This point is more easily addressed with an example: Sue has a bad day at work and comes home to her romantic partner, Bob. She asks Bob if he will sit with her on the couch and hold her while she tells him about her awful day. Bob replies by saying that he can't do that because he has a paper he has to finish for the next day. Bob perceives that he cannot both provide support to his partner and complete his work. If they let the conversation get past the initial request, though, Bob would have found out that Sue really only intended to sit and snuggle for about 15 minutes because she, too, had other things she needed to get done before bed. Surely, Bob can spare the 15 minutes. Because he can spare the 15 minutes, his need to write his paper is, in reality, not at all incompatible with Sue's need for support. - Be open to negotiation.
In conflicts, we generally start by stating our need and our preferred means by which that need should be met. In the example of Sue and Bob above, Sue's ideal outcome was to be snuggled while she vented about her day as soon as she got home. Bob's ideal outcome was to be able to work on his paper, uninterrupted until it was finished. When we strip away all of the preferences and extras, all Sue wanted was support and to be held, and all Bob wanted was to finish his paper before his normal bedtime. If Sue and Bob would negotiate, they could talk through what their bottom lines are - what is it that they each really mean to achieve. Negotiation allows us to separate what we really need from the preferences we have about how that need gets met. This, in turn, promotes resolution. - Shoot for collaboration, not compromise.
I don't know about you, but the big conflict management strategy I learned in school was compromise. Teaching compromise to children is easier, I suppose, than teaching collaboration, but it breeds a shortsightedness about how to have really great conflict. Here's the fact about compromise: it means that everybody has to give something up. The word compromise means to reach an agreement by way of mutual concession. When we begin a conflict with the frame of mind that we are going to have to give something up to get what we need, we start the episode on the defense because we want to give up as little as possible. Our partners approach the conflict the same way, and the potential for excellent outcomes to arise is diminished. If, on the other hand, we approach conflict as a collaboration, we are in a different and more productive frame of mind. Here's the fact about collaboration: everybody wins (or at least has the potential to). The talking that we do in conflict should be, more than anything else, about how we get everything we both need. When we come at a conflict with the belief that everybody can get their needs met and that we don't have to start by giving something up, we tend to be more creative about how we solve the problem. We generate better ideas, we are more open to suggestions for alternative solutions, and we are thus more likely to arrive at a solution that is good for everybody.
The majority of students to whom I have taught conflict management have come to me with the belief that conflict does harm to a relationship. They aren't wrong. Conflict can have very detrimental effects on a relationship - if we do it wrong. If we spend more time trying to inflict hurt or protect ourselves than negotiating the conflict issue, then yes, conflict can diminish relational quality. On the other hand, good conflicts draw people together. This happens because the trust, validation, and self-esteem that come from a successful collaboration makes us feel closer to and more invested in our partner. And all of that is on top of the fact that we resolved the initial conflict issue.
So you see, when we do conflict right, we get what we need, our partners get what they need and our relationships improve. Everybody wins.
Class dismissed.
